Today is the one-year mark of when my teacher left his body. I honor him deeply and thank him for all that he taught me. (My spiritual memoir, The Rita Lila: A Western Yogini’s Journey to Bliss, chronicles my six years of learning with my teacher, who I now honor with the name Yogi Shambho.)

I am humbled by the passage of time. The incredible grief and very tough lessons of this past year have strengthened me considerably. After my teacher passed away, I felt like a daughter whose father had abandoned her, and for most of the year I made poor choices due to being in an out-of-control state. I regret some of those choices, so I am now working to make peace with myself. 

With his amazingly open and compassionate heart, my teacher would have very gently assured me that I am on the right path, despite the crazy things I did this past year. He would say to take a deep breath and go forward with confidence in myself. Once, he told me that he couldn’t cut me much slack because he could see that I had great potential. Although he was stern with me at times, I always felt how much he loved me. He told me that I was an adamantine jewel of clarity, that I was a rare gem…

I know that he would be proud of my writings on this Teja Blog… and he would be proud of my regular, daily spiritual practices… and he would be proud of me leading the weekly Radiance Rising circles…though I am sure from some distant star he is getting a kick out of how differently I lead the Om Namah Shivaya chant! He led it very slowly while strumming his guitar, while I lead it kirtan-style with my harmonium, accompanied by drumming.

I am proud of the good work I’m doing, too, but I still need to make peace with myself for the choices I made this past year. Lately I have been feeling impure and feeling the need to purify myself on all levels. To that end, I have taken the brahmacharya vow for the next six months. I intend to gain self-control in thought, speech, and action. I am proud of myself for taking that vow, and already I am feeling more pure in my being.

May all beings who are grieving find the comfort and solace they need. May they allow themselves to grieve, and may they find acceptance and peace.

In one of Rumi’s poems, he writes about “the sweetness that comes after grief.” It is with much gratitude and reverence for Time, that I now understand that phrase quite intimately.

May all beings everywhere know Peace and Happiness.

Om Shanti (Peace),

Yogini Tejaswini

Photo of Teja in the sweetness after grief by Teja Shankara.